No Really, It's Me and I'm Writing a Post to "My" Blog

Dear Bloginistas, 

   Ok, so keeping up a blog is actually a commitment and I've failed you miserably. I'm hoping that you haven't staged your life around awaiting my next submission as you are probably dead by now.

A lot has happened since my last posting. Let's see:

1) Went to the South of France

2) Drove on Monaco GP track

3) Her Hotness has chickens (15) and bees (60K+) now

4) Hans died grizzly (not by a Bear).

5) Dear Leader got re-elected (and Big Foot too)

6) We now have Molly the dog (part pit bull(sweet), part cocker(boo))

7) Went to the Austin USGP

8) A couple (? maybe more) of new grandkids appeared for Her Hotness to track

9) Bought a few(ha) more guns. Probably due to DL and Big Foot getting reelected (see #5 above)

10) YHS has taken up golf. "The best way to beat to death something with no real return".

 
On a more current ramble, the Outback is about to croak with 240K+ miles on it. Little things are starting to fail. Back windshield wiper, valve cover gasket (leaks oil), annoying check engine light (catalytic converter on the way out) etc, etc, etc. With every etc costing about 200 quid to fix (1 quid to 1.5 dollar (USD) at current exchange rates).

 
To show how desperate the car situation is, even Her Hotness is resigned that we will have to buy another car soon. Since the Subaru has survived our normal “babying” this whole time, we are going to buy another one of the same make and brand to torment.

 
Maybe Subaru could use us for a commercial? And give us a break on the cost of a new one?

Such a commercial would go like this maybe:


The scene:

Soft music plays in the background(maybe “Anal Vice” from the Sound of Music)

Trashed Subaru sits in front of the Mt Idy Tattoo parlor in Boretrose, Iowa

Morgan Freeman(ed: the commie bastard)speaks wispfully: “Do you never wash your car? Do you allow your dogs to scratch the interior of your car while sitting in your lap as you drive? Does your car smell like a wet towel left on the girl’s gym floor for the last 5 years? Do you regularly drive at 100 miles per hour? Do you check to see if your car is really locked by pushing the key fob thingee multiple (at least 3) times to hear the repeated (which drives your wife nuts)beep?

 If so, Subaru has just the car for you!

Fade out as dog in car (Penny) wets the driver’s seat.

 

Ok, not much else going on. With any luck I’ll write more soon. No guarantees.

That’s just how I currently roll. Later….

 
YHS

Catch Up

Dear Bloginistas,

Ok YHS has been out of touch for like 2 years due to the imprisonment of real life, but I think I'm back at least for a while. Let's see what has happened since my last communiqué? Hmm, not much, well ok something must have happened right?

Let's see (in no particular order):

I went to London (not Ontario)
I went to last years British F1 Grand Prix at Silverstone (BTW, also known as the most fun you can have with your clothes still on).
Numerous small people who claim to be Her Hotness's grand children now seem to be more numerous then when you last read my droll.
I've now become a hardcore Sox fan (as Boretrose is technically a far west suburb of Chitown (no really).
The armory has grown substantially as I await for the Barkster and Horseface (nice arms)to throw the whole thing in the toilet soon and at least, the approaching hordes (or Chinese) can be mowed down "Zombie style" (as always, I try to find a silver lining.)
We had a hellacious snowstorm this last (it’s still winter isn't it?) winter.

The Outback (still #1 with gay women btw) was a tank and only tried to kill us a fewish times

Luckily, through blind luck and YHS's uber driving skills (and Bell/Penny/Hans sitting in my lap) I/we didn’t hit much.

I walked (crawled/moaned/drooled) up Mt Timpanogos in Utah. Why? I have no idea (selective memory). Somehow I must have been watching one of those ... Actually I must have been insane. From now on if a 6 year old can't physically do it then I'm not (even trying) doing it. Period. Bite me Lance Armstrong.

I got DVR - sweet!

I spent X-mas in Utah. We went to Park City and saw a bunch of stuff we could buy if we sold our house

Her Hotness took a train (I flew)

She wanted something quant. I think the train's name was Thomas. It afforded her a rare chance in this day and age to sit for 40 hours with a bunch of captive loons like herself who think riding a train for 40 hours is also quant. Loons of a feather.....

For those who don't celebrate X-Mas "Happy Kwanzaa Pancake Breakfast" to you and yours.

Last week I got a speeding ticket I didn’t deserve. Seems the Milan police think my '96(woohoo) Ford Ranger can actually do 70mph. Ha! If it was falling over a cliff it could.

But you can't fight the man and maybe it’s just karma for all the other 123(and climbing) mph blasts up to MLI in the past (in the Suburu - fun fact - Ellen DeGeneras drives one)

I mistakenly planted/bought 200 raspberry plants last summer

How was I to know that there were 12 plants in a pack? So only about half lived. I guess it seems they need sunlight. Go figure.

More…(somebody stop me)

Seems that I now have our mechanic and his family as our co-dependents. This year we have blown like $3,000 on car repairs.

AND the Sburu and, in a sympathy vote, the ‘96 Ford Ranger both now need their AC fixed. Since Boretrose gets like a 110 F (1,213,214 C) in the summer with a like percentage of humidity, AC is a necessity.

I just got my new Blackberry as the old one after 4 years of faithful service finally croaked. The new one is a “Curve” and has a camera, so now I can be tempted to take all kinds of undercover (wink) “art” photos. Thank goodness that you no longer have to take your pix to Walgreens for development.

Other fun catchup stuff:

I now have a electronic pressure cooker. So instead of waiting 6 hours to ruin a dinner in a crockpot (so old fashioned), I can now do it in under 30 minutes. Now that is progress.

Let’s see what else is going on with YHS? Um, nothing more comes directly to mind.

As stated previously since I’m now at least not criminally insane anymore, I’ll be updating this (hopefully) more regularly. If you like what you are reading, please send money (folding preferably).

Strapped for Dosh,

YHS

Bees

Dear Bloginistas,

Pardon the slight delay. I was just release from the sanitarium. And they only allowed me crayons which I mostly just ate.

Anywho, here’s Her Hotness and the Bee Anthology for your viewing excitement:

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjDGKz33oAQ
2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaMs3RQ0tN4
3) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6-SMGUAQYM
4) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ12py55BPY
5) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLnjLAIvxJU
6) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mci-kHq1Qwc
7) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VsQ6yTahFU

Concerningly,

YHS

PS. Since I'm taking the correct medication now that I’m out, I’ll be posting more(ish).

From the Archives: HIDDEN SPYCAM SATELLITE PHOTOS OF HER HOTNESS & JAKE (click on photos to enlarge)

The Lime Scented Pine Trees of Zarahemla

Dear Bloginistas,

Just to keep you all up on what's happening in the ever exciting life of YHS, I decided to post this little communiqué dittie.

To sum it up, not much is really going on as my latest mission impossible has me traveling to Nashville (yawn y'all).

Of some note is that Her Hotness and I (and the pack) now have a new addition to the casa du Zarahemla. She goes by the name of Penny (the Pooper).

She is either a Pincher or a Manchester Terrier or (actually this part is an exact match) the canine with the shortest digestive tract ever.

She seems somehow to be able to process the mass quantities of food she snarfs down 10 times a day and instantly (and not wanting to be too graphic here) have it shoot out of her working end within 15 seconds after inhalation. Of course, much hilarity ensues trying to get her out the door before she performs this trick and the mop and trowel brigade is called in.

Luckily, she is cute as a button, if not a tad on the dumb side. Witness that she tries to lick the air when you talk to her. Hmm, or maybe my breathe just smells like dog food? Whatever, she still seems pretty cute and dopey.

Penny the Pooper's specs are:

Black and Tan all over with tan dots over her eyes and (somehow fittingly) a tan triangle over her working end. She has huge paws, and weighs in at approx 20 pounds (and counting). She's about a foot and a half high and two feet long.

We think she's about 4 months old.

Hans, and Bell (the dogs) and Bob and Milo (the cats) all hate her, but seem to be siding up to her more recently. Their verbal attacks all seem more subtle for now at least.

Um, what else is going on? Well, the 5 minutes I was home this last weekend I did manage to mow the lawn for the 1st time this year. Which reminds me that the white pine trees (sticks) that I planted all seem to be dying along nicely.

The only ones that might make it are the back corner ones. These conversely overlook downtown Boretrose (NE corner) and the one that I placed over Jake's (Penny's predecessor) grave (NW corner).

I have no idea why the ones outfront are all turning brown other than the common fact that I planted them all and I have no idea (surprise) what I'm doing.

It did seemed pretty straight forward. Dig a small hole and then place the tree (stick) in the hole and cover with some dirt. Add water to the mix and presto 25 years from now you'd have tree worth the name.

Somehow I may have missed the step where I'm supposed to put a fish in the hole or something. But I could be wrong. Not sure.

Hey speaking of Jake (the formally alive and world’s smartest dog) I have in my archives a NSFW hidden spycam satellite photo of Jake and Her Hotness(pant) “sunabathing” that I will post once I get back to Boretrose. This should be good for at least a week’s banishment on the couch.

On a happier note, Jenson Button won today’s Bahrain GP. Not real sure if the camel riding (polite term) crowd fully appreciated what they were watching, but what the hey? This is the go go naughts, zeros, zeds, nothings (BTW, what the heck do you call this decade anyways?), err tens minus one, so you now have to go with the flow (down the tube).

On a sillier note, if I forget to pack my underwear on a trip more then once a year, would this be considered an early sign of dementia? I’ll have to check with the online edition of ‘Ol Coot Monthly (now merged with Skeeze Magazine) to do a virtual e-evaluation on my sanity. Here’s hoping. (and changing)

Since I think the D&C is no longer just the Democrat and Chronicle (google it). Losing one’s BVDS is no laughing matter. Neither is the “itch down everywhere” after washing them (the only pair I now have enroute) out in the sink every night using Marriott’s finest shampoos.

At least they have a limey smell afterwards (if not before).


Here’s to just scratchin the surface (for now)…


YHS

How Do You Like the New Digs?

Dear Bloginistas,

In keeping with the whole world now seeming to have gone kookoo, I've now gone "green" and have changed the colour of my blog. This major "eco" change, I'm sure, will now tip the scales on our orb's tilt towards either us freezing to death or us self igniting. You can all thank me later.

BTW, please feel free to voice your opinion on my/our (we are all in this together remember) colour change. If I feel so inclined I may actually acknowledge such and change it back (or worse).

On a lighter note, Big Brother Google now has some scam where they can post ads on this hollowed (hallowed) site (if I so agree) and I allegedly will get some dosh back for doing so. All you have to do is click on my (our) site's ads about a quadrillion times (just like the national debt) and I will get paid some nominal sum for you doing so. Seems like a win, win, win to me.

The funny part is that Google will pick the ads based on the content of my blog. HA!

Geez, how in the heck is that going to happen considering the nonsense I can't help myself writing about? What idiotic sponsor would ever want to be part of this mess?

Lets see, with my demographics, my ads' broad targeted audience would be: (in no particular order)

1) Small mute Asian women
2) Old Italian formerly hot babes
3) Mormons with a Catholic guilt complex
4) Really frugal Her Hotness (pant) types
5) Gay Iowan farmers
6) Closet Cosmo readers
7) Freak show Walmart shoppers
8) Women(?) who drive Outbacks
9) President Erkel lovers
10) Gas Cramped Reindeer
Extra bonus pick: 11) Some guy named Guido

Sweet. I can see the cash rolling in now.

Here's looking at a new tax bracket....


YHS

Hell No We Won't 'Mo

Dear Bloginistas,

Geez, is the world upside down or what? When you think of the bastion of liberal thinking in this country, where do you think of? Berkeley CA, New York City (said in a Pace Picante Sauce advert voice), or someplace like Harvard, right?

The last place, and I mean the last place, would be Clem Kadiddlehopper’s Pig Farm in Stenchville Iowa. But no, wait, somehow some citified (said with same Pace Picante advert voice) Iowa Supreme Court Judge (we even have a Supreme Court and why?) decided that marrying “gays” (the polite term) is now aok in Iowa. Somebody pinch me. Please make this is some kind of delayed April Fools joke and go away. Pretty please?

Um no, unfortunately this is, I guess all too true.

I’m imagining that this will go over real big on Ol Clem’s farm. Clem: “Hey, Zeb, I have two male pigs here that I want to mate. Do you think it will work?” Zeb: “Har, har Clem. That’s a good one. Everyone knows that two male pigs can’t mate, but if you and me want to get married that would be just dandy”.

This is going to be a real boon for our local economies. Every fruit, nut and flake will now want to come (sic) and honeymoon (puke) in Iowa.

On a happier note, Barky and Horseface just gave the Queen of England a big hug.

Disgustedly,

YHS