Am I Hip (still) Enough?

Dear Bloginistas,

With X-Mas and New Years upon us, this time of year brings self reflection. As such, I’m taking my yearly account of myself and trying to answer this perplexing question: Do I Still Look Hip?

Luckily, I was reading this month’s issue of “Ol Coot” Monthly (BTW, OCM is now combined with Skeeze and Frumpster Magazine) and they approached this very subject. Below is the self inventory list they provided: (reprinted with permission)

Do You Still Look Hip?:
Check (x) to all that apply to your appearance:

1. Really cool F1 tee-shirt or tee-shirt with retarded saying on it ( X )
2. Still wearing same gold chain from when you were 18 years old ( X )
3. White socks ( X )
4. Rockport Docksider Shoes ( X )
5. Escaped Mental Patient Style Haircut: ( X )
6. Less Than 28 pounds overweight: ( X )
7. MLB/F1 baseball cap with star flag pin: ( X )
8. Nauvoo Star lapel pin on all jackets: ( X )
9. Overpriced wrist watch: ( X )
10. Lee Jeans: ( X )
11. Blown up looking Cargo Shorts with tie belt (summer only): ( X )
12. Red Scarf (winter only): (X )
13. ¾ Length Black Leather Jacket (winter only) ( X )
14. Tattoo: ( )

Crap, somehow I missed out on “#14”. I do not have a tattoo. This brings up a couple of problems:

1) God said I can’t have one
2) If I could have one:
a. What would it be of?
b. Where would I have it?

After giving about 5 minutes forethought to the above, I’ve decided that I can get around these problems easily: I can get a henna tattoo that would only last for about 2 weeks. In order to stay hip I would just have to get it reapplied biweekly.

The only problem might be the constant cost of having to do this, but I can probably just get a home henna tattoo kit from the Mt Idy Tattoo Parlor (right next to the combo Double Dip Ice Cream, Laundrymat and Video Rental Shoppe right here in Montrose) and apply these to myself in the mirror. What could be easier?

So the next solved problem is what kind and where should I put a tattoo? Well, after much studied research of the various life forms at the Keokuk Iowa Walmart (where you can buy happiness), I’m thinking that nothing says “hip” like a big ol’ neck tattoo. I’m thinking something catchy like “Eat the Rich” in gothic letters on top of a skull with a rose in its teeth. Of course, if I do it in the mirror, it will have to say “hciR eht taE”

Despite the fact that I can barely shave myself in the mirror and have absolutely no artistic aptitude whatsoever, I’m sure something as fun as sticking needles in my neck every two weeks should be a piece of cake.

Sounds like a plan.

Later Tater,

YHS