Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Road Trip!
Dear Bloginistas,
Hey, when you think of winter time destinations, where do you think of? The Bahamas, Jamaica, Florida, Hawaii, someplace warm, correct? Well, Her Hotness has a totally different idea of such. Hey let’s go to Rochester NY! And by car. Sweet! No problems there. Of course the 100+ inches of snow they get each winter never seemed to have crossed her mind.
This coming all from a woman who wears 2 full pairs of Iditarod strength long johns (just in case one pair rips) over her “normal” underwear (hubba hubba) and up to 2 sweaters, a full length jacket, a pair of gloves, a hat, 2 pairs of socks, a scarf, a blanket and whatever else she can throw on just so she can complain that I have the car “too cold”.
I digress. So this past Thanksgiving we (Her Hotness and driver) got to go to Rottenchester NY (btw, our ancestral home) in order for Her Hotness to attend her 30th (I know you are all counting, but she was minus 2 years old when she graduated) High School Reunion.
This in itself wouldn’t be so bad except that during the whole week leading up to this there was an endless loop of “Let’s go to Jamaica and be alright” commercials on the dish with assorted bikini babes dancing about. So for a fraction of the cost of going to Siberia we could have flown to some sun and fun (hubba hubba) destination instead of trying to remember which way to turn during a left-handed snow skid.
Not that the Outback Subaru (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) wasn’t up to it. It was a tank going through the snow, but somehow, even if you don’t blink for a couple of hours, Upstate Western New York ain’t no beach.
As a side tour we also went to see my Uncle and Aunt in Mayville NY where they usually (and I’m not making this up) get up to 280 inches of snow a year. We lucked out and there was only about 2 feet on the ground when we passed thru.
As an added bonus, we also took the dogs (Hans and Bell) with us. Even they were wondering about the wisdom of the decision to cross Antarctica every time they had to go out and use the facilities. (see the below photo)
Hey, when you think of winter time destinations, where do you think of? The Bahamas, Jamaica, Florida, Hawaii, someplace warm, correct? Well, Her Hotness has a totally different idea of such. Hey let’s go to Rochester NY! And by car. Sweet! No problems there. Of course the 100+ inches of snow they get each winter never seemed to have crossed her mind.
This coming all from a woman who wears 2 full pairs of Iditarod strength long johns (just in case one pair rips) over her “normal” underwear (hubba hubba) and up to 2 sweaters, a full length jacket, a pair of gloves, a hat, 2 pairs of socks, a scarf, a blanket and whatever else she can throw on just so she can complain that I have the car “too cold”.
I digress. So this past Thanksgiving we (Her Hotness and driver) got to go to Rottenchester NY (btw, our ancestral home) in order for Her Hotness to attend her 30th (I know you are all counting, but she was minus 2 years old when she graduated) High School Reunion.
This in itself wouldn’t be so bad except that during the whole week leading up to this there was an endless loop of “Let’s go to Jamaica and be alright” commercials on the dish with assorted bikini babes dancing about. So for a fraction of the cost of going to Siberia we could have flown to some sun and fun (hubba hubba) destination instead of trying to remember which way to turn during a left-handed snow skid.
Not that the Outback Subaru (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) wasn’t up to it. It was a tank going through the snow, but somehow, even if you don’t blink for a couple of hours, Upstate Western New York ain’t no beach.
As a side tour we also went to see my Uncle and Aunt in Mayville NY where they usually (and I’m not making this up) get up to 280 inches of snow a year. We lucked out and there was only about 2 feet on the ground when we passed thru.
As an added bonus, we also took the dogs (Hans and Bell) with us. Even they were wondering about the wisdom of the decision to cross Antarctica every time they had to go out and use the facilities. (see the below photo)
Among other things, Rochester is known for being the suicidal, and coincidently, the Paxil capital of the world. “Rochester Gray” only begins to describe how warm and forgiving the skyscape is for the 11 months and 28 days a year of gloom.
Since it was the Thanksgiving weekend, traffic was kinda busy on the way up from Montrose, but it was crazy busy on the way home. BTW, getting to the “Flower” (probably dead) city took like 2 days (28 hours) each way. Anywho, getting home was insane. An example would be the scrum needed to stop at a “rest” stop along the NY/Ohio/Indiana (toll – crap) Turnpike. Jockeying into a lone parking space and then fighting your way through to the pig-sty-esk bathrooms added to the Gulag theme of the trip. Also, since the US dollar is in the tank there seemed to be either a yearning by lots of Eastern European peoples to explore the Indiana dunes this time of year or way too many foreign speaking types wanting to eat at the I-90 Woody Hayes/Bernie Kosar Memorial Rest Stop’s Popeyes.
Since the Buckeyes seem to be bean counters also (get it? – ha) they’ve managed to precisely under staff their westbound (ie homebound) toll hold up booth. Thus we experienced a 2 hour, and 15 mile back up, all culminating in being fleeced for the six bucks (0.00003 Euros) right of passage toll.
Since Her Hotness while being really hot is also “Her Cheapness” (I’m not cheap, I'm just frugal”) we usually get to stay in some roadside flop house along the way run by either (pick one):
a) an Indian
b) a Pakistani
c) the Taliban
So after staying at that night’s “Taj Mahal” de jour, I usually feel crummy from the bad night’s sleep (cardboard mattress), and I reek of incense and have an unexplained yearning for an Egg McYak.
I know by now you are all wondering what happened at the HS Reunion? Were old boyfriends put to shame by YHS? Where waistlines compared with Her Hotness and some former Homecoming Queen? Were some life stories shared with Her Hotness’s former loser classmates? Well um, err, no
Since Her Cheapness decided that the $50 a person (so a total of $100 including the driver) was excessive we(she) decided that we would just crash the party “after the food was served”. Well, adding up that we had spent the whole day visiting some long lost relatives too crazy to understand that moving away from the North Pole is a good thing, and eating way too many cheeseburgers at “Bill Grays” hamburger joint (burp), we were too pooped to pop (so to speak) and just went to bed early. Now how pathetic is that?
That’s it for now.
Still Recoveringly,
YHS
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Roach People Ate Here
Dear Bloginistas,
Ok, this whole "economic meltdown" thing is starting to get me worried. Her Hotness is now beginning to "pre test" a food storage program out on me. By pre test I mean going to ALDI's (where the truly desperate shop) and get any kind of food that could survive a nuclear attack with only the surviving roach people being able to eat it. Most of this stuff is so awful that our dogs (Hans and Bell (btw Hans is a girl)) won't even smell it.
The whole idea is to test this stuff out before the whole economy goes completely bust (thanks BO) and we now have to live off our food stuffs until the world comes back from the dark ages or I run out of bullets.
Some examples of the proposed cuisine du barf are:
1) Canned really greasy boiled (lanced ?) brownish meat
2) Canned tennis shoe flavored (this is just a guess) Chicken(?)
3) Dried beans with dirt
4) Canned Creamed (don't even ask) Spinach and Wieners
5) Thai noodles with some kind of fingernail textured nuts
6) Canned Cheese Tortellini
Yummo, sorta makes ya wish for Armageddon to hurry up and "come on down" don't it?
Anywho, Her Hotness has now designated every Wednesday as "choke and puke" night to try out her new gruel. Mysteriously, I now (Hans and Bell too) seem to have awakened the desire to attend Wednesday night church activities early and miss out on all of the excitement. Hallelujah, salvation at last! Please pray for me (us).
Genuflectively,
YHS
Ok, this whole "economic meltdown" thing is starting to get me worried. Her Hotness is now beginning to "pre test" a food storage program out on me. By pre test I mean going to ALDI's (where the truly desperate shop) and get any kind of food that could survive a nuclear attack with only the surviving roach people being able to eat it. Most of this stuff is so awful that our dogs (Hans and Bell (btw Hans is a girl)) won't even smell it.
The whole idea is to test this stuff out before the whole economy goes completely bust (thanks BO) and we now have to live off our food stuffs until the world comes back from the dark ages or I run out of bullets.
Some examples of the proposed cuisine du barf are:
1) Canned really greasy boiled (lanced ?) brownish meat
2) Canned tennis shoe flavored (this is just a guess) Chicken(?)
3) Dried beans with dirt
4) Canned Creamed (don't even ask) Spinach and Wieners
5) Thai noodles with some kind of fingernail textured nuts
6) Canned Cheese Tortellini
Yummo, sorta makes ya wish for Armageddon to hurry up and "come on down" don't it?
Anywho, Her Hotness has now designated every Wednesday as "choke and puke" night to try out her new gruel. Mysteriously, I now (Hans and Bell too) seem to have awakened the desire to attend Wednesday night church activities early and miss out on all of the excitement. Hallelujah, salvation at last! Please pray for me (us).
Genuflectively,
YHS
Monday, November 17, 2008
Am I Hip (still) Enough?
Dear Bloginistas,
With X-Mas and New Years upon us, this time of year brings self reflection. As such, I’m taking my yearly account of myself and trying to answer this perplexing question: Do I Still Look Hip?
Luckily, I was reading this month’s issue of “Ol Coot” Monthly (BTW, OCM is now combined with Skeeze and Frumpster Magazine) and they approached this very subject. Below is the self inventory list they provided: (reprinted with permission)
Do You Still Look Hip?:
Check (x) to all that apply to your appearance:
1. Really cool F1 tee-shirt or tee-shirt with retarded saying on it ( X )
2. Still wearing same gold chain from when you were 18 years old ( X )
3. White socks ( X )
4. Rockport Docksider Shoes ( X )
5. Escaped Mental Patient Style Haircut: ( X )
6. Less Than 28 pounds overweight: ( X )
7. MLB/F1 baseball cap with star flag pin: ( X )
8. Nauvoo Star lapel pin on all jackets: ( X )
9. Overpriced wrist watch: ( X )
10. Lee Jeans: ( X )
11. Blown up looking Cargo Shorts with tie belt (summer only): ( X )
12. Red Scarf (winter only): (X )
13. ¾ Length Black Leather Jacket (winter only) ( X )
14. Tattoo: ( )
Crap, somehow I missed out on “#14”. I do not have a tattoo. This brings up a couple of problems:
1) God said I can’t have one
2) If I could have one:
a. What would it be of?
b. Where would I have it?
After giving about 5 minutes forethought to the above, I’ve decided that I can get around these problems easily: I can get a henna tattoo that would only last for about 2 weeks. In order to stay hip I would just have to get it reapplied biweekly.
The only problem might be the constant cost of having to do this, but I can probably just get a home henna tattoo kit from the Mt Idy Tattoo Parlor (right next to the combo Double Dip Ice Cream, Laundrymat and Video Rental Shoppe right here in Montrose) and apply these to myself in the mirror. What could be easier?
So the next solved problem is what kind and where should I put a tattoo? Well, after much studied research of the various life forms at the Keokuk Iowa Walmart (where you can buy happiness), I’m thinking that nothing says “hip” like a big ol’ neck tattoo. I’m thinking something catchy like “Eat the Rich” in gothic letters on top of a skull with a rose in its teeth. Of course, if I do it in the mirror, it will have to say “hciR eht taE”
Despite the fact that I can barely shave myself in the mirror and have absolutely no artistic aptitude whatsoever, I’m sure something as fun as sticking needles in my neck every two weeks should be a piece of cake.
Sounds like a plan.
Later Tater,
YHS
With X-Mas and New Years upon us, this time of year brings self reflection. As such, I’m taking my yearly account of myself and trying to answer this perplexing question: Do I Still Look Hip?
Luckily, I was reading this month’s issue of “Ol Coot” Monthly (BTW, OCM is now combined with Skeeze and Frumpster Magazine) and they approached this very subject. Below is the self inventory list they provided: (reprinted with permission)
Do You Still Look Hip?:
Check (x) to all that apply to your appearance:
1. Really cool F1 tee-shirt or tee-shirt with retarded saying on it ( X )
2. Still wearing same gold chain from when you were 18 years old ( X )
3. White socks ( X )
4. Rockport Docksider Shoes ( X )
5. Escaped Mental Patient Style Haircut: ( X )
6. Less Than 28 pounds overweight: ( X )
7. MLB/F1 baseball cap with star flag pin: ( X )
8. Nauvoo Star lapel pin on all jackets: ( X )
9. Overpriced wrist watch: ( X )
10. Lee Jeans: ( X )
11. Blown up looking Cargo Shorts with tie belt (summer only): ( X )
12. Red Scarf (winter only): (X )
13. ¾ Length Black Leather Jacket (winter only) ( X )
14. Tattoo: ( )
Crap, somehow I missed out on “#14”. I do not have a tattoo. This brings up a couple of problems:
1) God said I can’t have one
2) If I could have one:
a. What would it be of?
b. Where would I have it?
After giving about 5 minutes forethought to the above, I’ve decided that I can get around these problems easily: I can get a henna tattoo that would only last for about 2 weeks. In order to stay hip I would just have to get it reapplied biweekly.
The only problem might be the constant cost of having to do this, but I can probably just get a home henna tattoo kit from the Mt Idy Tattoo Parlor (right next to the combo Double Dip Ice Cream, Laundrymat and Video Rental Shoppe right here in Montrose) and apply these to myself in the mirror. What could be easier?
So the next solved problem is what kind and where should I put a tattoo? Well, after much studied research of the various life forms at the Keokuk Iowa Walmart (where you can buy happiness), I’m thinking that nothing says “hip” like a big ol’ neck tattoo. I’m thinking something catchy like “Eat the Rich” in gothic letters on top of a skull with a rose in its teeth. Of course, if I do it in the mirror, it will have to say “hciR eht taE”
Despite the fact that I can barely shave myself in the mirror and have absolutely no artistic aptitude whatsoever, I’m sure something as fun as sticking needles in my neck every two weeks should be a piece of cake.
Sounds like a plan.
Later Tater,
YHS
Friday, November 14, 2008
Need Another Seven Astronauts (NASA)
Dear Bloginistas,
Hey, I just heard that the Space Shuttle Mission #8,000,000,006 (8 billion and 6) just took off successfully tonight - woohoo! Yawn. Is it just me or shouldn't we be trying out more adventurous things in space? Geez, the space program has been going on for like my whole life. How is NASA being held accountable for this stuff? Per Star Trek, we should be mating with Romulans by now, not developing a 9 hour adult astronaut diaper or growing 80 pound tomatoes or doing experiments boiling water 35 miles above Lexington (note subtle Kentucky reference - go Wildcats!) Anywho, why isn't NASA working on something useful like a "fully functional" blond animatronic android with an anti hyper blab switch? One can only hope (and change).
Next topic: Do I actually get stupider every time I watch an episode of "Family Guy" and conversely get smarter watching "Robot Chicken"? Sort of a cosmic Seth Green equilibrium thing going on I guess. (note continued space theme).
Economy watch: Santa and Mrs. Claus this week abandoned their 12 elves at an Omaha Nebraska hospital sighting the worldwide economic downturn and the gloomy outlook ahead with an Obama presidency.
Over and out.
YHS
Hey, I just heard that the Space Shuttle Mission #8,000,000,006 (8 billion and 6) just took off successfully tonight - woohoo! Yawn. Is it just me or shouldn't we be trying out more adventurous things in space? Geez, the space program has been going on for like my whole life. How is NASA being held accountable for this stuff? Per Star Trek, we should be mating with Romulans by now, not developing a 9 hour adult astronaut diaper or growing 80 pound tomatoes or doing experiments boiling water 35 miles above Lexington (note subtle Kentucky reference - go Wildcats!) Anywho, why isn't NASA working on something useful like a "fully functional" blond animatronic android with an anti hyper blab switch? One can only hope (and change).
Next topic: Do I actually get stupider every time I watch an episode of "Family Guy" and conversely get smarter watching "Robot Chicken"? Sort of a cosmic Seth Green equilibrium thing going on I guess. (note continued space theme).
Economy watch: Santa and Mrs. Claus this week abandoned their 12 elves at an Omaha Nebraska hospital sighting the worldwide economic downturn and the gloomy outlook ahead with an Obama presidency.
Over and out.
YHS
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Newark Musings
Dear Bloginistas,
As usual, I'm cooling my heels at Newark International Airport (EWR), "where you too can feel like an immigrant". What a dump. I swear that EWR is now at "Bangladesh" standards of operation. The only thing missing is some chickens and donkeys running around to complete the chaos.
So far the plane is only 21 minutes late which for Newark is just about right on time.
Due to some mis-planning on my part, I just had to use the lone bathroom at terminal B and I probably now have contracted herpes simplex # 62 - sweet. Nothing says freshness like "splash back" in the loo after 369 other men "has done their business" before you. I guess I could have used the provided combo toilet seat cover/cowboy hat for some limited protection, but that would have meant that I'd have to touch something else yet again in my "stall". After consummating the act by doing a pirouette and flushing the toilet with a flick of my foot I proceeded to the duplex diaper changing area (note: when was the last time you actually saw a man changing a diaper at one of these things?) and wash basin, in an attempt to de-biohazard myself.
As an added bonus, the el bano's sink only allows you to have the water running as long as your other hand pushes the button in. So while you are washing away the filth from one hand, the other hand at the same time gets to be infected all over again with a whole new strain of STD from the faucet handle - can't get much better than this!.
A quick lesson on the proper New Jersey etiquette: When is it appropriate for a New Jerseyite to use the F bomb?
A. In a business meeting
B. When you push by a Catholic Priest on your way to your airline seat
C. As a child speaking to her mother in a public setting
D. All of the above.
Correct answer: D. It is always appropriate to use the F bomb in NJ as a noun, verb, adjective, food group, maiden name, etc. I’ve witnessed A thru C myself. NJ is not called the Garden State for nothing.
Hey, since this is a blog, I get to start my own wild outrageous rumors that will then take on a truthful life of their own. Please feel free to pass on this topical little tidbit to the unexpecting:
Fun Fact: Corky from the 80's TV show "Life Goes On" is really the love child of Barney Frank and Sarah Palin. (Hey, think about it?).
Respectfully,
YHS
As usual, I'm cooling my heels at Newark International Airport (EWR), "where you too can feel like an immigrant". What a dump. I swear that EWR is now at "Bangladesh" standards of operation. The only thing missing is some chickens and donkeys running around to complete the chaos.
So far the plane is only 21 minutes late which for Newark is just about right on time.
Due to some mis-planning on my part, I just had to use the lone bathroom at terminal B and I probably now have contracted herpes simplex # 62 - sweet. Nothing says freshness like "splash back" in the loo after 369 other men "has done their business" before you. I guess I could have used the provided combo toilet seat cover/cowboy hat for some limited protection, but that would have meant that I'd have to touch something else yet again in my "stall". After consummating the act by doing a pirouette and flushing the toilet with a flick of my foot I proceeded to the duplex diaper changing area (note: when was the last time you actually saw a man changing a diaper at one of these things?) and wash basin, in an attempt to de-biohazard myself.
As an added bonus, the el bano's sink only allows you to have the water running as long as your other hand pushes the button in. So while you are washing away the filth from one hand, the other hand at the same time gets to be infected all over again with a whole new strain of STD from the faucet handle - can't get much better than this!.
A quick lesson on the proper New Jersey etiquette: When is it appropriate for a New Jerseyite to use the F bomb?
A. In a business meeting
B. When you push by a Catholic Priest on your way to your airline seat
C. As a child speaking to her mother in a public setting
D. All of the above.
Correct answer: D. It is always appropriate to use the F bomb in NJ as a noun, verb, adjective, food group, maiden name, etc. I’ve witnessed A thru C myself. NJ is not called the Garden State for nothing.
Hey, since this is a blog, I get to start my own wild outrageous rumors that will then take on a truthful life of their own. Please feel free to pass on this topical little tidbit to the unexpecting:
Fun Fact: Corky from the 80's TV show "Life Goes On" is really the love child of Barney Frank and Sarah Palin. (Hey, think about it?).
Respectfully,
YHS
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Sweet - Winter is Here
Hello all bloggers and bloggetts,
Well it just had to happen and its even worse then Da'Bomba getting to be prez elect. It actually snowed here today (boo, crap, poop and ugh). At least that is what her hotness told me and I was still sleeping when the horrible event happened.
Of course this now signaled that we had to take all of our summer stuff off of the lawn (only 3 months late) and into the falling down shack on our property (technically "Grand" (ha) Av.).
Once this was done, I got the fun job of overdressing for the cold (38F, in Celsius that would be um minus 292C) and chainsawing the fallen tree on the property (peach tree side). Somehow I managed to do this fairly quickly and without any medical attention nor med evac being needed.
Hey, of a more important note, Gina Lollobrigida (who?, google her and take off the "SFW" filter) per the NY Times is now 81 years old. That would make me about "really" years old. They had a picture of her and for 81 she looks pretty good for being the same age as your grandmother, but then again grandma is looking a lot like a tennis ball left out in the rain all summer.
Which somehow brings me back to Winter. Iowa is not a real fun place to deal with in Winter. At least not Southeast Iowa (Montrose IA , Lee County to be exact). I've already gone ahead and bought my 4 new cheapo Korean made Kumo tires from TireRack.com. (RirerRack in Korean btw). Seeing how the existing Kumo's have the cord showing, and even with the Subaru Outback's (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) AWD, I figured that death was a certainty with Lee's County's famed winter road service of zero effort. In fact, the Lee County's Dept of Snow Removal and Engineering (D-SNORE) motto is "If God put it there then God can F&*@!'in take it away!" Nice to see my $84 yearly property taxes at work.
So in a shorten way, I decided to buy new tires rather then have to be found dead and thawed at roadside next Spring.
Um, what else is happening? Let's see, a couple of random observations:
1) People in 1st class in airplanes are real jerks. I'm not sure if it's all of the traveling in coach/steerage they've had to endure before they can "upgrade" to 1st class from "last class" , but to a person (me excluded of course) they are just full of themselves. Also, it seems that a kind of Alpha male contest happens as soon as the plane stops to see who can be the 1st jerk off of the plane. Kinda odd.
2) at 110 miles per hour your gas mileage is only 9.5 mpg per the Subaru Outback's (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) console mileage thingee that figures this stuff out
3) Hey a black guy, Lewis Hamilton won this year's F1 World Driving Championship. What next, a woman? God help us(me).
4) Writing in this blog takes away my time from her hotness, so I gotta go.
Later,
YHS
Well it just had to happen and its even worse then Da'Bomba getting to be prez elect. It actually snowed here today (boo, crap, poop and ugh). At least that is what her hotness told me and I was still sleeping when the horrible event happened.
Of course this now signaled that we had to take all of our summer stuff off of the lawn (only 3 months late) and into the falling down shack on our property (technically "Grand" (ha) Av.).
Once this was done, I got the fun job of overdressing for the cold (38F, in Celsius that would be um minus 292C) and chainsawing the fallen tree on the property (peach tree side). Somehow I managed to do this fairly quickly and without any medical attention nor med evac being needed.
Hey, of a more important note, Gina Lollobrigida (who?, google her and take off the "SFW" filter) per the NY Times is now 81 years old. That would make me about "really" years old. They had a picture of her and for 81 she looks pretty good for being the same age as your grandmother, but then again grandma is looking a lot like a tennis ball left out in the rain all summer.
Which somehow brings me back to Winter. Iowa is not a real fun place to deal with in Winter. At least not Southeast Iowa (Montrose IA , Lee County to be exact). I've already gone ahead and bought my 4 new cheapo Korean made Kumo tires from TireRack.com. (RirerRack in Korean btw). Seeing how the existing Kumo's have the cord showing, and even with the Subaru Outback's (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) AWD, I figured that death was a certainty with Lee's County's famed winter road service of zero effort. In fact, the Lee County's Dept of Snow Removal and Engineering (D-SNORE) motto is "If God put it there then God can F&*@!'in take it away!" Nice to see my $84 yearly property taxes at work.
So in a shorten way, I decided to buy new tires rather then have to be found dead and thawed at roadside next Spring.
Um, what else is happening? Let's see, a couple of random observations:
1) People in 1st class in airplanes are real jerks. I'm not sure if it's all of the traveling in coach/steerage they've had to endure before they can "upgrade" to 1st class from "last class" , but to a person (me excluded of course) they are just full of themselves. Also, it seems that a kind of Alpha male contest happens as soon as the plane stops to see who can be the 1st jerk off of the plane. Kinda odd.
2) at 110 miles per hour your gas mileage is only 9.5 mpg per the Subaru Outback's (the 1st choice of gay women everywhere) console mileage thingee that figures this stuff out
3) Hey a black guy, Lewis Hamilton won this year's F1 World Driving Championship. What next, a woman? God help us(me).
4) Writing in this blog takes away my time from her hotness, so I gotta go.
Later,
YHS
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I didn't write this, but thought it was pretty funny:
1894: Give little, give seldom and above all, give grudgingly
· THE wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly — and as time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
· Feigned illness, sleepiness and headaches are among her best friends in this matter.
· MOST men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices, including performing the normal act in abnormal positions, mouthing the female body and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
· A SELFISH and sensual husband can easily take advantage of his wife. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom and above all give grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
· JUST as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts.
· MANY men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
· A WISE wife will make it her goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.
· MANY women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands — they need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
· ONCE in bed, the wife should turn off all the lights and make no sound to guide her husband in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement.
· WHEN he finds her, she should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practised only in total darkness.
· DO not encourage him — nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
· IF he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her any place else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet.
· IF the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him.
· SHE will be absolutely silent while he is huffing and puffing away — she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.
· AS soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow.
· CLEVER wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband.
· Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering prove very effective if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
· BY their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child-bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.
· By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I have Been Assimilated (help)
All,
I have been assimilated. I now have a blog. How screwed up this will become is anyone’s guess.
Apologies in advance to Blacks, Jews, Women, Gays, Non-Gays, the Sane and anyone else whom I my offend in any future posts. My intent is always with my tongue firmly in cheek and with a wink to humor.
Your Humble Servant - YHS
I have been assimilated. I now have a blog. How screwed up this will become is anyone’s guess.
Apologies in advance to Blacks, Jews, Women, Gays, Non-Gays, the Sane and anyone else whom I my offend in any future posts. My intent is always with my tongue firmly in cheek and with a wink to humor.
Your Humble Servant - YHS
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