Newark Musings

Dear Bloginistas,

As usual, I'm cooling my heels at Newark International Airport (EWR), "where you too can feel like an immigrant". What a dump. I swear that EWR is now at "Bangladesh" standards of operation. The only thing missing is some chickens and donkeys running around to complete the chaos.

So far the plane is only 21 minutes late which for Newark is just about right on time.

Due to some mis-planning on my part, I just had to use the lone bathroom at terminal B and I probably now have contracted herpes simplex # 62 - sweet. Nothing says freshness like "splash back" in the loo after 369 other men "has done their business" before you. I guess I could have used the provided combo toilet seat cover/cowboy hat for some limited protection, but that would have meant that I'd have to touch something else yet again in my "stall". After consummating the act by doing a pirouette and flushing the toilet with a flick of my foot I proceeded to the duplex diaper changing area (note: when was the last time you actually saw a man changing a diaper at one of these things?) and wash basin, in an attempt to de-biohazard myself.

As an added bonus, the el bano's sink only allows you to have the water running as long as your other hand pushes the button in. So while you are washing away the filth from one hand, the other hand at the same time gets to be infected all over again with a whole new strain of STD from the faucet handle - can't get much better than this!.

A quick lesson on the proper New Jersey etiquette: When is it appropriate for a New Jerseyite to use the F bomb?

A. In a business meeting
B. When you push by a Catholic Priest on your way to your airline seat
C. As a child speaking to her mother in a public setting
D. All of the above.

Correct answer: D. It is always appropriate to use the F bomb in NJ as a noun, verb, adjective, food group, maiden name, etc. I’ve witnessed A thru C myself. NJ is not called the Garden State for nothing.

Hey, since this is a blog, I get to start my own wild outrageous rumors that will then take on a truthful life of their own. Please feel free to pass on this topical little tidbit to the unexpecting:

Fun Fact: Corky from the 80's TV show "Life Goes On" is really the love child of Barney Frank and Sarah Palin. (Hey, think about it?).

Respectfully,

YHS